I belong to a few online support groups for dealing with infertility. Specifically, two of those support groups are geared towards military, because our situation is unique in dealing with Tricare, referrals, and all of the other hoops we have to jump through that I mentioned in my previous post, The Tricare Labyrinth. Recently there has been some heated debate between women dealing with primary infertility and secondary infertility. I suffer from primary fertility, meaning I don’t have any children. Women who have secondary infertility have already had a child and now, because of one issue or another, deal with infertility and the difficulty of conceiving. Those with secondary infertility may or may not have also dealt with primary infertility.
The arguments are over women with primary infertility feeling as though women with secondary infertility are “selfish” because they want more children and should cherish and truly appreciate their children because we women with primary don’t have any. I understand that many women want to grow their families and have more than one child. But here is my point of view on the whole primary vs. secondary infertility battle:
I would give my right arm, and even my left leg, to have a baby. I have a very hard time feeling sympathy for someone who has a child and has been able to experience pregnancy and raising a child, when they complain about not being able to have another baby. You at least have a baby, I don’t, and I may never get that chance. And my message to those women dealing with secondary infertility after having primary infertility, remember this: at some point, you cringed at seeing a “fertile myrtle” or hearing another pregnancy announcement. You, whether you said it out loud or kept it inside, whether you want to admit it or not, felt envious and that some women were so lucky to be able to have children that you would be so happy and blessed to just have one. And those with secondary fertility after having no problem conceiving the first time, well, you just have no idea where women with primary infertility are coming from. Yes, infertility hurts anyone dealing with it, but you do have a child.
These are my feelings, thoughts, opinions…whatever you want to call them. If you don’t like them, feel free to click that little red ‘X’ up there in the corner and never read my blog again. This is how I feel, just the way someone with secondary infertility thinks its harsh that I feel this way about women dealing with secondary.
Since the big debate over different stages of infertility, I have since joined a support group that is geared specifically towards women suffering from primary infertility. There have been many times that I wanted to say something about a woman complaining about not being able to have children after already having 1 (or 2 or 3), but never wanted to start or join the debate, because its just a never ending loop of “well, this is what I think about that”.
On an ending note, I do only want one child. Some people say I will change my mind after (maybe) having my first and that I will want to give my child a sibling. Well, I don’t think I could go through this struggle and heartache for 2 or 3 more years for another baby, when I can give all my love and devotion to the baby I (may) have.
Finding Fertility 